Imperfections Come To Light (The Imperfection Series Book 2) Read online

  Imperfections

  Imperfections Come to Light

  Imperfections Take Me As I Am

  After years of wanting her and fighting against myself, I finally had her. For one brief weekend I was whole, looking into the eyes of the woman I’ve always loved. The one person I’d do anything for.

  Catherine Reed is the love of my life, but I blew it when she discovered her sister and I were engaged. But things have changed.

  I know she doesn’t want anything to do with me, she needs time. Time to heal and repair the damage the discovery of our relationship did to her and her family. I’m willing to give her time, but I will not give up on us. She is my one true addiction and a love as strong as ours is worth fighting for.

  Coming back to New York to be with my family and the man I’ve always loved seemed like the perfect plan. Little did I know that I’d be living in a kind of hell after my family turned against me. In the end, I had no choice but to let go of the love of my life, Nicholas Alexander.

  I’m not sure if I can ever truly recover from losing a once-in-a-lifetime love and I know things will never be the same with my family. I didn’t think my life could get more complicated, but I was wrong. Consequences for the choices I’ve made may cost me everything.

  February

  Nick

  I’ve been calling her every single day for weeks, leaving message after message. Every single time my calls go to voice mail. I refuse to text; I can’t write what I need to say to her. The regret I feel for everything I didn’t say to her before I said some hurtful words in a jealous fit of rage. Words fueled by anger at the thought of her with another man, especially Matt. Out of all men, she chose him.

  I know sleeping with Paige was the worst mistake I could have made. Without Cat, I feel like I’m drifting day-to-day. I swear I’m not the man I used to be, she changed me. I don’t want to be without her; she saw in me something that no one else did and I want to be whatever it is she saw. Being with Paige made me see that was the old me, the person I don’t want to be anymore. A convenient fuck won’t erase my feelings for Cat, it won’t erase the time we spent together or the love we shared. When she slammed the door, shutting me out of her life, leaving me to suffer in the aftermath of what we shared, I became a broken man. However brief it was, we had it, but now, no contact. Connection broken, shredded, and ripped out straight through my heart. Sleepless nights and days filled with thoughts of her and what we had.

  Paige. The last time I spoke to her, I told her what happened between us will never happen again; I’m not sure if she gets it, though. Sleeping with her wasn’t one of my better judgment calls. I was hurting and reverted to old habits that were better left in the past. I knew I was wrong as soon as it was over, but I kept telling myself it would help me get over Cat, put her out of my mind so I could stop feeling like the screw up I was. I was wrong. Each time I was with Paige visions of Cat ran rampant through my head. The last time Paige and I hooked up, I actually cringed, made some excuse, and told her I couldn’t. In the middle of having sex I pulled out, leaving her confused, and I just couldn’t—I fucking froze. With every thrust inside her I was being tortured, like so many pieces of shredded paper being ripped apart.

  Then and there I knew I didn’t know what the hell I was doing but making things worse. Regrets, too much frigging regrets to count.

  Work

  Sitting in my father’s office listening to him bitch at me is not what I need to deal with in my state of mind.

  “What the hell is wrong with you? This was an easy win, you lost.”

  “I didn’t lose, we settled,” I tell him, trying my best to rein back my rising anger at each word out of his mouth.

  “That’s a damn loss to me!”

  “Well next time you represent, then! I can’t win every fucking case.”

  “You’ve been off your game for weeks. It’s time to cut the shit, what the hell is it, the baby or the girl? If it’s about the baby, I don’t have any advice for you apart from getting back down to business will help get your mind off that for a while. I know what happened is going to take some time for you to get past, but I don’t know, see a shrink. If it’s the girl, there are more of them out there. Go get another one and get your fucking head back in the courtroom and to the business at hand, which is making money, winning cases.”

  “She’s not interchangeable.” I get up and walk over to the window. “I know that’s hard for you to wrap your head around.” She’s not just any girl; she’s the fucking girl that I love, the one I want to spend the rest of my fucking life with. That’s what I really want to tell him, but what the hell would he know about that, most of his marriages don’t last more than three years tops. “You make it sound as if it’s the easiest thing in the world to do. Just pick any girl and forget about her.”

  “It’s that simple. You’re making it difficult for yourself and everyone around here. You’re not approachable, half the people on your floor are afraid to walk past your office for fear of running into you. You’re taking your anger and frustration out in the wrong place, you need to channel it all in a place it will be most beneficial—like the courtroom.”

  “Enough with the damn courtroom already. I know what my damn job is, get the hell off my back already. Not everything is about winning a damn case. My whole life doesn’t revolve around that shit.”

  “It used to, and it made you a damn good lawyer.”

  I turn around and ask him a question that’s been on my mind lately. “But did it make me a better person?” He leans back in his chair and looks at me for a second.

  “What the hell sort of question is that. Who cares if it made you a better person? It made you a winner, it made you one of the best. And you’re mucking it up all because of a woman who probably wouldn’t have stayed with your ass anyway after you fucked her sister, making you a daddy.” Getting out of his chair, he walks over to me, putting his hands in his pockets. “Tell me, how was that train wreck going to work out? I’d advise you to move on and forget about her. You’ll both be better off, at least you can reminisce about the good times you had. Trust me when I say you’re better off that it ended now before things got worse. You’re not meant to be tied down to one woman or maybe you need a woman like Paige who understands men like us.”

  “Us.” He never ceases to amaze me with his philandering fatherly advice. “I’m not you, Dad. I used to think maybe I wasn’t supposed to be with one woman but she changed that way of thinking for me. I never thought I would feel this way about one woman but she changed that, I love her. See, this is how we differ. I know the difference between love and a quick fuck, love and lust. Trust me, screwing Paige won’t change what I already know.

  “I have work to do. Like you said, I need to get my head back in the fucking courtroom. You should do the same and don’t give me any more half-assed advice that doesn’t mean shit to me. If you’re so fond of Paige, why don’t you screw her and make her wife number four or is it five?” I leave his office more worked up than when I stepped in there. He’s the last person who should be doling out advice on relationships.

  Walking back to my office, I think back to the last thing Ava said to me the last time I saw her:

  “I love both of you. But I’m not sure if it’s a good idea for you two to be together if this is what it’s going to do to you. She’s a hot-ass mess. She doesn’t know whether she’s coming or going, and you, honey, you’re just out of control. Baby, rein it in and take a step back.”

  “What if I don’t want to take a step back, Ava?”

  “Then you run t
he risk of losing her forever in every way.”

  I’ve been stepping back for years, I thought. This is the reason we are where we are now. Time. Too much fucking time.

  Home

  This rooftop. I can’t get off this fucking rooftop. It’s haunting me with memories—memories I can’t seem to extricate; every which way I turn she’s there. No escaping it—I’m fucked. A fucking miserable mess of a bastard, my life is finally catching up to me and I’m getting what most would say I deserve.

  Yet another endless day without hearing from her, I call Ava.

  “Ava, you’re killing me here, I need to know something…anything.”

  “If you wanted to know how she was doing maybe you shouldn’t have stormed over here and spewed all your anger toward Matt on her. Then maybe you would be with her instead of groveling to get second-hand info on her emotional well-being, which thanks to you is frayed at best. Don’t worry, she’s finding ways to deal with it.”

  “What ways?”

  “You won’t like the answer and you know I can’t tell you so don’t bother asking again.”

  I hope none of those ways involve Matt. “Ava, please, she won’t return my calls and you not telling me anything is driving me crazy. This is not me; I’m not used to feeling this way. Damn, I messed it all up so bad. But I know I can fix it if she would only listen to me.”

  “We talked about this, you said you were going to give her time. The time she needed. What happened?”

  “That’s all I’ve ever fucking done. Time is what has fucked us up. Screw time and space, I feel like I’m drowning. Every time I see the look on her face, it’s a loop running through my goddamn head day and night. I can’t concentrate on my damn cases, I’m distracted all the goddamn time thinking about things I said to her, ways I’ve hurt her, how my careless stupid action—having sex with her goddamn sister and almost having a baby with her almost crushed her. I can’t take any of it back, but I regret every single careless selfish thing I did.”

  “You should. She deserves way better. She shouldn’t have had to deal with all the things your actions were throwing at her. She was ducking left and right to avoid something else your bad decisions caused.”

  “I know. I don’t deserve her but I need her. I need her more than I need anything else in this world. She is the girl I’ve known almost a lifetime. I don’t care if she doesn’t want to be with me but I need her. I need to know she’s not going to disappear from my life forever.”

  “Are you sure about that?”

  “Yes.”

  “What if she decides it’s all too much for her and she never wants to be with you in the way you want her to be with you?”

  “I’ll take her any way I can get her.”

  “I don’t think you will. How are you going to react if she decides to move on with another man? Then what? What are you going to do then?”

  “I don’t know?”

  “I do. It’s not going to end well for anyone, especially you. When you were together and things were good, you were amazing together. She lit up like a hundred-watt bulb and you shined together. Your rough edges smoothed out and you made her stronger. But when things went wrong you were explosive, she crumbled, falling apart piece by piece, day by day, a little more each passing hour. You, you are something different, you’re almost manic. You’re right, it’s like you’re drowning, gasping for air, and your reaction to that is almost violent to anyone you think will get in the way of your love and being with her.”

  “Ava, I love her too much to let her go. I can’t have her be with anyone else but me. I can’t be that guy on the sidelines watching her move on with her life without me in it. I’m not that big of a person, my love for her won’t let her go. I’m not giving up on us; I know what it’s like not having her in my life. We were meant to be together for better or worse, my life is not complete without her. Don’t ask me to let her go. I won’t, ever.”

  “Give her time like I said, the time she needs. If you’re meant to be, you will. I’m going to be sappy here, true love knows no boundaries or time.”

  Sappy is good right about now. I’m a fucking mess.

  Days later

  I’ve spent many restless nights on this rooftop thinking. This is all my fault, I know that. I brought this emptiness and despair of living without her on myself. Not a minute goes by when I don’t regret everything I did wrong to hurt her, breaking her heart into a million pieces and more. If I could take it all back and start again from the beginning I would. I’m nothing without her.

  She showed me a side of myself I thought was long gone. The look on her face the last time I saw her told me exactly how I repaid her for loving and putting her trust in me. I’m not worthy of her love but I need it like a hit of adrenaline to restart my heart.

  I turn with my back against the brick wall and look at the chaise, the sunroom filled with flowers and twinkling lights. Cocooned together against the bitter cold of that night when she looked up into my eyes and I looked into hers and she said, “Make love to me.” Beautiful. The way she looked at me, trusting me to take care of her. It was all there in her eyes for me to see. I pick up the phone to dial her number again for the fifth time today. Still no answer, I’m forced to leave another message.

  “I’ve been thinking about the bad choices I’ve made and all the things I’ve done wrong when it comes to us. Cat, if you’re listening to this…my, what seems like thousandth message to you, I love you, I love you, I love you. Please—”

  Beep. Damn. Never enough time.

  I rub my hands over my eyes and picture her in my arms that night. Holding her close to my heart, being inside her, connected as one as I pour all that I am inside of her. Her love and passion washes over me, coupled with that goddamn smile of hers that would make me do just about any damn thing for her.

  I can’t even think about not seeing her look at me that way again. But there’s a chance I might not if I don’t back off like Ava said and pull my shit together. Practically stalking her and calling her five times a day isn’t doing anything to bring her back to me and change her mind after all I’ve done. I’m going to back off as best I can and hope she doesn’t leave me to drift, and pray on all I have she gives me another chance to pull my head above water to breathe with her love—our love. I don’t know what it’ll take to bring her back to me but whatever it is, it better be unbelievably fucking amazing.

  March

  Nick

  “Karen, I told you to hold all calls, we’re in a crucial board meeting here.” One I wish I could get the hell out of. My mind is drifting to where it always drifts especially when Paige is in the room…Cat. Always Cat.

  Paige, the mistake of a lifetime, make that the second one, the first was Kate.

  I pick up the phone, and swing my chair around to the window away from my father, Paige intently watching me, and the others at the boardroom table.

  “I’m sorry, Mr. Alexander, but I thought you would want to take this call, it sounds urgent.” It has to be for Karen to interrupt a meeting when I told her I was not to be interrupted.

  “Who is it?”

  “Manhattan Hospital.”

  Why would the hospital be calling me? I turn my head to see my father staring at me impatiently. I can see he’s fine. I hope it’s not Gage, my sister, or anyone else in my family. “Put them through.”

  “Hello, is this Nicholas Alexander?”

  “Yes.”

  “This is Manhattan Hospital, we’re calling about Catherine Reed.”

  My heart drops and I hold my breath when she says Cat’s name. What the hell. The breath I’m holding whooshes out of me, blocking out everything and everyone I practically yell into the phone, “What’s wrong with her, is she hurt?”

  The voice on the other end of the phone changes with the panic rising in my voice. She sounds more soothing than informative when she answers my question, it’s not helping me. “She suffered a concussion, and we can’t release her from the
hospital unless someone is here to take her home. She gave us your name and telephone number.”

  She doesn’t need to say any more. I get out of the chair, tell her I’m on my way, and hang up. I turn to my father. “This meeting is over for me. I have an emergency I have to take care of.” My father isn’t happy and I don’t give a shit. Ava stopped updating me on Cat weeks ago, she said it wasn’t doing me any good. She was right. The first time I hear about her in two months a faceless voice is telling me she’s hurt and in the hospital.

  I was afraid I wouldn’t see her again after everything I said to her. I didn’t mean it. I was pissed off seeing Matt there and her state of undress answering the door. What really set me off like a skyrocket was when she said she slept with him, confirming what he said to me outside her building. I’ll admit it to myself: that shit hurt. It felt like she punched a hole straight through my chest. I didn’t think she was going to do that with Matt again; she knows how I feel about that guy. But when she said, “I want a man that didn’t fuck my sister and get her pregnant, can you give me that?” I knew it was over, like my father said, she probably would never be able to be with me without thinking about me and Kate even with no baby. Probably better because the last thing I want is for her love for me to turn into hate over time. Which it would if she couldn’t get past that major fuck up.

  Not once in the short time we were together could she bring herself to tell me she loved me. I understood, though. I wasn’t going to force her to say something she wasn’t ready to say.

  Out of all the people she could have called, she called me. I’m glad she did, gives me a little hope, gives me a lot of hope. After two months, I know more than before how much I need her in my life and I’ll take her any way I can get her.

  Cat